So, I’m a big believer that the universe talks to me. Some people would say this is God. When I first started praying in AA, I got all hung up on who I was praying to. Was it a grandfatherly man with a white beard? An earthy, motherly figure?
Then I considered that a higher power could probably look like anything it wanted to. This really opened things up for me, because I can imagine seeing my higher power as anything I need to in any given moment, and it is still the same higher power. The image changes, but not the essence. Sometimes it looks like an older brother/sister, sometimes a mother/father, sometimes it’s an alternate version of me or an ideal version of me, sometimes it’s just the wind or the trees or the stars.
Whatever it is, if I plug into it, it talks back. The trick is, I have to have my eyes open. And I have to initiate contact somehow.
Praying, meditation, art, writing, these are all ways that I can “get in touch”.
And then I just have to watch and listen. And, most importantly, follow my compass. Pick up on leads when they appear.
This blog was a lead, a voice that was whispered into my ear on a dark, lonely night when I was asking how to keep from going insane.
My last post was about how I needed to get back in touch with my spirituality, how I had faltered and needed to take a step back towards the light.
I said that I needed to commit to something, but I felt that I needed to start small so that it doesn’t feel unmanageable and I risk being discouraged and throwing up my hands on the whole thing. I said I could commit to meditating five minutes a day.
That was Friday.
Now it’s Tuesday.
I had to work this weekend (I work one weekend a month), and my husband was sick with food poisoning. And my daughter has been very fussy lately, teething and crying a lot and waking up a lot at night. Needless to say, it was kind of a crazy weekend.
I did not meditate.
And Monday, I did the very thing I was trying not to do, which was throw up my hands on the whole thing. I was thinking, “Whatever, I suck, I’ll come up with another plan. Later. Sometime.”
And I didn’t have a blog post for the weekend since I didn’t run nor did I meditate, and I thought, “Whatever, I suck, I’ll write about something later. Sometime.”
And I was sitting here this morning reading other people’s blogs and feeling melancholy about the whole thing.
And I got an email. From someone I know from AA. She was my sponsor for a while and remains a friend, a relationship that has become one of my most treasured.
We are both busy and live on opposite sides of the city, so we only meet and catch up two or three times a year, but she is wonderful about unexpectedly dropping a text or email with a piece of wisdom or inspiration, usually uncannily when I need to hear it.
So this morning I received an email from her with a link to a guided meditation on a meditation app, saying “I haven’t listened to it yet. I’ll wait for you to try it first.”
You try and tell me that’s not the universe talking to me.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go meditate……