Me, I believe that there are many paths to truth and none have to be mutually exclusive. I think that the idea that there are winners and losers in spirituality (i.e. heaven and hell) is a uniquely human idea—mankind has a hard time imagining a world in which everyone can be right and everyone can be happy. If one person is right, someone else has to be wrong. I say that’s baloney. I have learned to respect religion for what I believe it is, which is a tool to get people closer to their idea of God (or whatever you choose to call it/him/her). What gets YOU closer to your higher power may be toxic for ME, or vice versa, but that’s ok, because we can each choose the path that works for us individually. I think that none of us can really be certain of anything in the spiritual realm except for what our inner compass is telling us, and if my inner compass is telling me something different than yours is telling you, it doesn’t necessarily mean one of us is wrong, just that how I interpret the truth might be different than how you would.
I’m not really sure that I need to go out and commit to a religion to be effective in teaching my daughter what I want her to learn; maybe I should take her church-hopping, or maybe I should just try to expose her to different ideas through books and media. What I do know is that I feel like I am not in the best place to make a decision on a course of action. I have not exposed myself to enough belief systems, I have not asked enough questions, and I have not kept up with my own practices and standards. I’ve never even read the Bible, and that in and of itself seems like a pretty daunting task to undertake without a guide.
Truth be told, I’m fairly certain that if I am seeking spiritual truth in the right way, I will never run out of questions and may even become more unsteady on my spiritual path. But I don’t want to tell my daughter that she has to explore and seek truth and follow her own heart if I haven’t done a thorough job of it myself.
“It is not WHAT you believe in that redeems your life, but THAT you believe.”
So, here it is, four months after my original blog post on “finding the spirit”, and I am no closer to attaining spiritual enlightenment.
I’m sitting here trying to figure out where the problem is. Am I overwhelmed by the topic? Bored? Frightened? Maybe a little bit of all of the above?
I have some books on spirituality that I have not read yet.
I have an invitation to go to a church that I have not taken up yet.
I haven’t been going to my AA meetings.
Heck, I haven’t even been meditating and praying, which should be basic maintenance for me. I mean, at least five minutes a day, it’s not that hard, is it?
What’s holding me back?
Nothing. Nothing is holding me back. I am holding me back. And why on earth would I do that?
Maybe I’m experiencing a little bit of dissonance. I talked a little bit in a previous post about how we, as human beings, have a tendency to only handle the thing that is demanding the most attention at the moment. Actually, that’s probably a trait of most living things; the difference is, human beings have the capacity to recognize that there are other things that need our attention, so we can override this tendency and focus on something else. If we couldn’t, we would never accomplish any long-term goals.
So how do we override the tendency towards short-sightedness? Well, I think we have to be able to mentally set priorities and make decisions based on those priorities.
Easy-peasy, right? Not so fast….. There has to also be congruence between what we want to believe and what we ACTUALLY believe.
For instance, when people ask me why I work out, I tell them it is because I want to be healthy, but that is only partially accurate. I mean, in my early twenties, I used to be able to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink for six hours straight in one night and get up and run five miles the next morning. “For my health”. Yeah, right.
I no longer smoke and drink, and I am much healthier and happier because of it, but being healthier and happier was not the primary reason for quitting either. The real reason I gave up drinking was because I got to the point where I couldn’t trust myself when I drank and the real reason I gave up smoking was because I had developed asthma and had a hard time breathing some days.
The real reason I work out because I want to stay within the average to slightly above average range of what is generally acceptable to our society as far as attractiveness standards go. Yes, I enjoy the health benefits and I have become kinder to myself as I’ve gotten older as far as making sure I am working out in a way that is healthy for me personally, but I don’t know if I’d have the wherewithall to get my butt out there to exercise on a regular basis if I didn’t have that first motive in the back of my mind. It is the REAL, RELIABLE motivator. Being able to say I am healthy is a side benefit, but I know that the health bit is what people like to hear, so yes, I tell people that I work out primarily for my health.
And I don’t think I am alone here… I think lots of people lie and give false primary motives for doing things, because no one wants to look shallow or careless or egotistical or whatever, or at least not overtly so.
So, you see, there’s what I show the world because it is what I am SUPPOSED to feel/believe and then there is the way things actually are in my head. Everybody is this way to some extent, but some people are more congruent with their insides matching their outsides than others.
I would like to be more congruent, and it sounds very simple, but in reality it isn’t always. I mean, sometimes people can have internal core beliefs that they don’t even realize they have. For instance, a depressed person may tell themselves over and over again that life is hopeless, regardless of the face they are showing to the outside world, and they may not even be aware that they are saying this in their head. This is why positive affirmations are so useful; it’s a way to talk back to yourself. And if you say something often enough, it might just become true for you!
Anyways, I think that this is my dilemma with the spirituality seeking endeavor. I feel like this should be important to me. Okay, I don’t feel, I KNOW. It’s important to me, and it’s important to me that I teach that to my daughter. I know from several years in the rooms of AA that I am so much healthier/wiser/more serene when I am connected to a higher power, and I want my daughter to understand that no matter how she chooses to see God/Buddha/Allah/Gaia/whatever, it is important for her to have a relationship with that higher power.
Problem is, somewhere in my head, I’m thinking, “Yeah, yeah, but playdates/housecleaning/work/appointments/cooking/working out/blah blah blah” and there’s just no room in there for spirituality. I am SAYING it’s important, but at the core, I’m not really BELIEVING it.
That was supposed to be the point of the blog…. To keep me on task. But even with the blog, I still managed to sneak away from the main point with my run-ramblings diversion under the pretense of “loosening up the writing juices”, which has been great fun, but totally not on topic. Or maybe I did need to “ramble” for a bit.
Whatever. The point is that I acknowledge my avoidance of the original topic and I acknowledge the necessity to move forward. At least a step, an inching forward. And something small, something that I can’t justify worming out of.
Really, I need to be going regularly AA meetings, at least once a week, but I don’t think I’m in a place where I can make that promise and mean it right now.
So here’s a promise I can make AND keep. I vow to meditate for five minutes every day. I should be able to manage this pretty easily; I’ve been getting up early to work/write in the mornings sans baby daughter, so I am completely certain that I can spare five minutes of quiet to get things rolling. Five minutes of acting “as if”, a sort of affirmation, to nudge me in the right direction.
I’m sure that this will help me figure out what step to take next. Or, at the very least, it will give me something else to write about. I’ll let you know.
3 thoughts on “Finding the Spirit; A Holding Pattern”
I get something in AA that I can’t get anywhere else and it often annoys the shit out of me. I make it to two meetings a week right now and have had a good attitude about it the last year or so cause it’s just been making life so much better. But I’d say for about 3 years before that my meeting attendance was really sporadic, and it pissed me off that there weren’t other ways of me getting what I needed. I mean I do the other things– meditation, call my spons, pray, etc, but they are never totally enough. Iwondered for a long time what it is that happens there that helps me so much–I wanted to figure it out, bottle it up, and take it with me, never to return.
Alas, all I’ve come up with so far is that I have to be in meetings regularly to remain right sized. If I’m not there than I walk around in the world as the shit or a piece of shit–I can’t find the middle. I’m humbled being around other alcoholic, especially ones trying to stay sober. It puts my thought and my “problems” in perspective and I feel closer to God and a lot less crazy.
You let me know if you find a better way of connecting, I’ll try it for sure!! 😉
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Yep, I don’t know what it is about meetings, but they have some kind of magic. Maybe it’s the positive connections you get there, or just being surrounded by people who can really relate to you, or hearing stories that remind you how it was in the beginning.
Your comment about remaining right-sized rings so very true to me.
It’s easy to focus on sobriety when you’re trying to get sober, because it’s the main thing in life that you’re focusing on.
Then, because of sobriety, you get all this other stuff; for me, it was the decision to leave a long-standing job that I totally hated, the completion of college and the start of a new career, meeting my husband and having a baby. There are so many things I have now that I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t sober…. it’s so easy to forget that.
When you get swept up in all these wonderful things you forget why you have them in the first place. Little things become big, and before you know it, you are stuck in your head again most of the time feeling, like you said, like the shit or a piece of shit.
Honestly, I really like going to meetings most of the time; but about four years ago I moved to a VERY rural area where I was about 45 minutes away from a meeting and I kind of just stopped going. Even after I moved back to a city, I never really recovered with my AA attendance after that. Always “too busy”, and now that I’m a stay-at-home mom, it feels even more difficult to get to a meeting.
Maybe I should start a mommy/daddy AA meeting that’s kid-friendly.
I wrote that jokingly, but it actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
I’m always afraid my daughter will have a meltdown if I take her with me (she’s only 11 months so not exactly very patient).
Maybe I should look in to that….
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I know SO many people–parents especially, who have started meetings in their own house for the exact reasons your saying. I have a ton of friends in my hometown in Mich who have had regular meetings for years that are at people’s houses–kids and all. Do it!! x
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